Job Application

Dear such and such,


Thank you for your application for the position of…


We have reviewed your application, and in this case, regret to inform you that we will not be taking your application to the next stage of the selection process. However we do appreciate the effort you have put into applying for this position, and would welcome your application for other positions with **** in the future. Blah blah blah.



Darth Cicada

The Human Resources Administrator

TV Star’s Odd Photo


TV star Sharon Gekles is apparently the woman in this photo. According to sources, after posting online the photo of herself running naked down the stairs, performing a sex act on herself and then eating a kebab, in what appears to be a standard workplace building where paperwork is the order of the day, she then swiftly took the photo down. Luckily we were able to retrieve the photo from an anonymous source who had archived it. Its appearance and then re-appearence has baffled many who say the star shouldn’t have to use such photos to gain attention.

     One friend of Geckles thinks the star is having trouble with fame and the free hot dogs she receives from fans. “Every day she receives free hot dogs from strangers, and so she’s eaten a lot of hot dogs. I think she’s starting to distrust the condiments on the hot dogs and that might explain the kebab in the photo. The kebab is not a hot dog.” 

Another friend says that she’s never met Geckles but the behaviour seems unhealthy. “I’ve never met Sharon and she’s lovely. She and her boyfriend are having a lot of trouble and so Sharon is relieving the tension by running up and down stairs.”

Celebrity specialist Kim Sally thinks the trouble is image related. “Sharon is troubled by her own self image and this is a cry for help. One can see in this photo that she’s fat. She’s also looking at the camera and mouthing the word, ‘help.’ I wouldn’t be surprised to see Sharon very very sick in a few months time, maybe dressed as a parrot screaming ‘Polly wants a cracker.’” Geckles has been unavailable for comment.  


Pre-Maori Celtic settlers invented Rock and Roll, say author

Amateur historian Martin Doutre has discovered a series of rocks in the far north, which he says proves that a pre-Maori Celtic people invented Rock and Roll, a genre of music previously thought to have originated in America. Doutre says the rocks were arranged in a way that suggested 4/4 timing and therefore could only be evidence of the invention of Rock and Roll by a mysterious Celtic civilzation. “They invented Rock and Roll before the existence of guitars which says a lot about how smart these people were. They were really smart. Basically when you measure the distance between the rocks, keeping in mind that there are 4 formations each containing 4 rocks, 4 metres apart, it’s natural that this would symbolise 4/4 timing, and therefore, Rock and Roll. Understand? Rocks…4/4 timing… It totally disproves what politically correct historians and Marxist music academics have been saying, which is that Rock and Roll was invented by African American musicians.” Doutre himself says he doesn’t listen to much Rock and Roll, though he does like the “steady beat” of the Jive Bunny. “What people don’t know about about the Jive Bunny, is that that he’s a real bunny…and that he may very well have invented DJ culture. That’s my current research interest.”

Laws in hot water with himself.


Michael Laws has laid a complaint against himself after he made “downright offensive” comments about a photo of a man who he thought was wearing eyeliner on his radio show. It turns out the man in the photo was Laws. When Laws found out he was the man in the photo he decided to reply to Laws with a letter, “basically telling him that if he has a problem with my eyes then that his tough sh**. I think he was suggesting I was gay, which is doubly offensive.” Laws decided a letter was best after a series of phone calls proved unsuccessful. “The phone was engaged which no doubt means this piece of “sh** has taken his phone off the hook out of fear of hearing what nobody else has the guts to say: he’s a phony.” Apparently, Laws responded to the letter by saying he won’t apologise.